So frequently in this society distorted by constant productivity we find ourselves trapped in a wheel of constant output. We crave to feel supported, loved, and valued - to receive this from others and ourselves. We confuse things to believe that if we just produce enough, gone over as much of ourselves as we can, work really hard to earn it  we can finally be worthy of receiving what we desire.

However, what we don’t realize is that if we are constantly working to give we eliminate any space to receive.

I learned this lesson most deeply in my romantic life. I was raised to be very self-reliant. Both intentionally and as a byproduct of my parent’s limitations to care for me. I watched the power dynamics in my immediate family where the person with the most capitalistic output held all the power. They shared it only conditionally and were very loud about it. I was determined from a young age to never allow myself to be in that position. I would be the “powerful” one.

Fast forward to dating, I was pulled so hard in two directions: society telling me that as a woman I should demand that my suitors give….a lot. I should be receiving compliments, gifts, attentiveness, and immense emotional and financial support. Otherwise I was doing it wrong. On the other hand, society and my parents said I should never rely on a partner, especially a man. I should work hard all the time to earn my own money and do everything by myself - because this made an independent woman and independent women are powerful.

As you can imagine this contributed to a not-so-fulfilling dating scene. I had been doing so much alone since I was just a teenager. I was exhausted and lonely. I craved nurturing, unconditional love, and support. However, I didn’t want to sacrifice my autonomy for it. I found myself angry that I wasn’t receiving everything I felt I deserved. While some of this was intertwined with what I attracting and choosing in relationships, a lot of it had to do with my inability to receive.

Someone wants to pay for a meal? No let’s split it, I don’t need you to buy my food…I’m a boss bitch. Someone wants to send me a car or pick me up? No thanks, I have my OWN car. I’ll meet you there. Someone wants to have a vulnerable conversation and learn about my feelings? I’m good, I have no problems or tough emotions because I am the perfect woman.

LAWD! It was a journey. I blocked opportunities to receive love and support almost every time it came up. Even from friends or family sometimes in an effort to prove my worthiness of the receiving those exact things.

If you are creating output, you aren’t receiving input. You can’t do them at the same time. They occur as an ebb and flow, you know the expression…give AND take. They don’t happen simultaneously.

Consider a great conversation with someone. They offer up vulnerability and authenticity - you receive it because you’re open to the exchange. That felt wonderful! You know they are open now too, so you offer it up in return. They receive it, now they extend kindness and love. In exchange you feel valued and a sense of belonging. Wow, MAGIC!

I have a loving relationship now with my husband who gives to me out of love and I accept out of love. I am able to recharge and rest not shouldering everything on my own which allows me to give to him and others more meaningfully because my cup is overflowing.

It can feel scary to let go of controlling everything. Controlling your interactions and relationships offers a sense of safety. However, releasing control and opening to receiving offers a sense of relief. Relief from the heavy burden of carrying conversations or entire relationships on your back. Relief from performing and permission to just be. And be loved for it.

If you struggle with receiving here are some exercises to help you start exercising this muscle:

1. Next time someone compliments you say thank you without scrambling to give a compliment in return.

2. Next time someone thanks you for something you did say “you’re welcome” or “I appreciate it” rather than brushing it off with a “no worries” or “anytime!”

3. The next time someone offers help…let them help you! Even with something small. Let someone bring soda to your party - one less item on your list. Let someone else make the dinner reservations after you picked the place. When someone asks if you need support find somewhere they can help you out. This is more than receiving, its bond building!

4. Find something new to learn. Put yourself in the student seat of a new hobby or topic. Learn all you can about it from different resources.

5. Repeat the mantra: “I am open to receiving all the beauty this day has to offer!”