Taking time off has honestly been harder than I realized it would be. I've been fantasizing about being able to do this for a while, but when I finally got here I low key got my shit rocked.

I am still very much in the middle fo working through all of this stuff, but here's some things I've learned in the first month and half of being off of work.

1. I was severely depleted in ways I didn’t even know I could be. I finally have been getting 7-9 hours of sleep some days, but I was still waking up exhausted. I felt like a shell of myself and it was impacting my ability to show up for myself and my family. It was disillusioning that even with more time I didn’t immediately have more energy. I was forced to confront how I’d been allowing my work to become extractive. After having a baby my mind, body, and spirit couldn’t take it anymore. Now I’m reorganizing myself internally and externally to work in a way that aligns with my values - that centers my well being so I can continue showing up for the collective. 

   
   

2. Learning to rest is skill refinement for me because I have been extremely conditioned into overextending and performing. I had a wonderful call with Aycee Brown who helped to frame rest in this way for me. I got in trouble for resting or relaxing when I was young. I got labeled lazy and I quickly learned that I got the love and attention I needed when I excelled and put my needs last. So rest became taboo and I got really good at neglecting myself. Then I made my lack of boundaries a badge of honor. A symbol that I care so much for the work and the people I helped. In a colonial workforce, even in the public service sector, that way of working is rewarded. Like I’ve been learning in Dr. Rocio Rosales Divine Alignment program, we can make it far professionally operating in this hyper productive fashion. Yet we are taking ourselves further and further away from our needs and purpose. Now I understand why at every milestone and achievement I’ve made I still felt empty and in a rush to move to the next thing. I was yearning for a sense of alignment and fulfillment but chasing accolades and acknowledgement from systems that care more about what I can produce instead of how I’m producing it. True collective service doesn’t ask us to leave ourselves behind. Walking with purpose and showing up meaningfully requires that we be resourced and aligned. I see now that my ability to feel good about myself, to care for my loved ones, and show up for my community is dependent on pouring into my wellbeing. 

   
   

3. The time and energy I spent working blinded me to major personal wounds that desperately needed tending to. For the last 15 years I’ve been grinding. I think I probably started to work this way in the first place to distract myself from the immensely painful traumas that have colored various parts of my life. I was pretty destabilized at first by all the wounds that surfaced as soon as I slowed down enough to notice them. I’m grateful that I have this time now to care for my inner child and teen, but I’m also sad that I ignored these things so long. I’m trying to take things day by day or moment by moment approaching myself with an open heart and gentleness. 

   
   

4. My joy muscle is in desperate need of a workout. I’ve built myself up professionally which has immensely supportive as I transition into a new way of living and working, however it also turned me into a little bit of a robot. I have always been a very creative, goofy, and joyful person but somewhere down the line I stopped prioritizing my true pleasure. I had "fun" in the ways society said I was supposed to and I put limits on it. Once I become pregnant with my second baby I lost myself altogether. Being postpartum and not working (along with a great support system) has offered me a new opportunity to meet who this new Tati is and start living out her vision instead of being who I think other people want me to be. 

Overall, this time has been greatly necessary for my healing and stepping into my purpose without the conditioning from oppressive systems and childhood wounds. I am both excited and scared of what I will continue unraveling about myself, but I'm gonna show up anyway. And have some fun while I'm at it!

If you have the opportunity to take time off, I highly recommend creating a plan for that time to help support you. This blog post was very helpful for me.

If you don't have the opportunity, take a moment to envision what more time would offer you and your community. Sometimes planting that small seed can help us start looking for ways to create even small pockets of time to nurture our joy and well being.

With so much love,

Tati