Taking time off has honestly been harder than I realized it would be. I thought the financial adjustments would be the hardest. I was wrong. I've been fantasizing about being able to do this for a while, but when I finally got here I low key got my shit rocked.

I am still very much in the middle of this messy experience, but here's what I've learned 45 days into taking a much needed break.

1. I was severely depleted in ways I didn’t even know I could be. I finally have been getting 7-9 hours of sleep some days, but I was still waking up exhausted. I felt like a shell of myself and it was impacting my ability to show up for myself and my family. It was disillusioning that even with more time I didn’t immediately have more energy. I was forced to confront how I’d been allowing my work to become extractive. After having a baby my mind, body, and spirit couldn’t take it anymore. Now I’m reorganizing myself internally and externally to work in a way that balances my well being and showing up for the collective.

   
   

2. Learning to rest is skill refinement for me because I was conditioned into overworking and I legit don’t know how to turn off soemtimes. I had a wonderful call with Aycee Brown who helped to frame rest in this way for me. I got in trouble for resting when I was young. I got labeled lazy. I quickly learned that I got more approval when I excelled and put my needs last. So, rest became taboo and I got really good at neglecting myself. Society said my lack of professional boundaries

   was noble. In a colonial workforce, even in the public service sector,

   overworking is rewarded (With everything except adequate pay or support). Like I’ve been learning in Dr. Rocio Rosales Divine Alignment program, we can make it far professionally operating in this hyper productive fashion. Yet we are taking ourselves further and further away from our needs and purpose. Now I understand why at every milestone and achievement I’ve made I still felt empty and in a rush to move to the next thing. I was yearning for a sense of alignment and fulfillment but chasing accolades and acknowledgement from systems that care more about what I can produce instead of how I’m producing it. True collective service doesn’t ask us to leave ourselves behind. Advocates are also part of the collective. Walking with purpose and showing up meaningfully requires that we be resourced and aligned. My ability to feel good about myself, to care for my loved ones, and show up for my community is dependent on pouring into my wellbeing. I see now the true meaning of “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” So, I’m taking time to fill myself back up.

   
   

3. The time and energy I spent working blinded me to major personal wounds that desperately needed tending to. For the last 15 years I’ve been grinding and in survival mode. I started to work this way in the first place to distract myself from the immensely painful traumas that have colored various parts of my life. I was pretty destabilized at first by all the wounds that surfaced as soon as I slowed down enough to notice them. Now I have the time and space to face my shadow. I’m grateful that I have this time now to care for my inner child and teen, but I’m also sad that I ignored these things so long. I’m trying to take things day by day or moment by moment approaching myself with an open heart and gentleness. 

   
   

4. My joy muscle is in desperate need of a workout. Being “excellent” seems to also have a way of becoming so lost in the sauce taking things way too seriously, that I forgot how to bring myself to my work...to my life.I’ve built myself up professionally which has been immensely supportive as I transition into a new way of living and working, however it also turned me into a little bit of a robot. I have always been a very creative, goofy, and joyful person but somewhere down the line I stopped prioritizing my true pleasure. I had "fun" in the ways society said I was supposed to and I put limits on it. Once I become pregnant with my second baby I lost myself altogether. Being postpartum and not working (along with a great support system) has offered me a new opportunity to meet who this new Tati is and start living out her vision instead of being who I think other people want me to be. 

   
   

Overall, this time has been greatly necessary for my healing and stepping into my purpose without the conditioning from oppressive systems and childhood wounds. I am both excited and scared of what I will continue unraveling about myself, but I'm gonna show up anyway. And have some fun while I'm at it!

If you have the opportunity to take time off, I highly recommend creating a plan for that time to help support you. This blog post was very helpful for me.

If you don't have the opportunity, take a moment to envision what more time would offer you and your community. Sometimes planting that small seed can help us start looking for ways to create even small pockets of time to nurture our joy and well being.

With so much love,

Tati