Happy Birthday to me! I turn 32 today, and I have something to say!

Community and friendship are not things that can go on the back burner any longer. They are, and always have been, life saving and life sustaining aspects of humanity. Our ancestors lived in community from the beginning which is how they survived long us for each of us to end up here.

We know that abuse thrives in isolation. We see it with predatory people - the abusive partner, parent, boss. The same goes for oppressive systems. It’s why we do campaigns to spread awareness, why we tell our stories. Sharing our experiences sheds light where there would otherwise be darkness. What lurks in the darkness cannot be healed and distance makes us exist as abstract ideas to each other. Together these things create prime conditions for dehumanization and meaningless destruction. Connecting beyond the surface creates a sense of empathy and responsibility for one another. When we witness each other and recognize our responsibility to each other we build worlds that support life rather than death.

I learned a lot about the importance of community growing up in poverty. No matter who was in political office our water, gas, and power would be shut off. Our basic needs evaporated frequently. Food was scare and my living situation was shaky. 

Our saving grace was not elected officials. It was our community. People who fed us, welcomed us into their home, and gave us rides to school. Friends who lent time and money. Teachers who helped us buy clothes. Community who shared resources and financed trips to do fun things. 

I am human so I have felt the fear to go outside. I have felt the anxiety and epigenetic resistance to speak up. I have felt the almost debilitating rage and anguish at the atrocities we’ve been seeing on our phones. However, I have also been deeply prepared for this by my life. By my ancestors living and past. I find my way back to solid ground when I get swept up because I see a way forward - just like they did. I see a way forward because I am a community member. I am a friend. I contribute to networks beyond my household not just financially but with my time, my creativity, my energy. I receive from others who are doing the same. This is where it is key to become clear on Love - community, friendships, and other relationships. 

If your relationships are rooted in performance you will find silence in the moments you need something but have little to offer. 

If you only know how to take but never want to give, you will find yourself alone having extracted to the point where there is nothing left to receive. 

It’s important that we know the differences in community and friendships. Both need to be aligned, reciprocal, and supportive. They require accountability and honesty. Where they differ is with love and intimacy. With community love is still foundational. Love is the foundation to everything. But how that love is felt and communicated can be different from other relationships. “I love you as another human being who deserves to live.” This doesn’t require intimacy - closeness, deep vulnerability, telling your secrets, fears, and hopes. Community can exist without closeness. I can show up for you without liking you very much, without expecting you to remember my birthday, and without expecting an invite to your wedding. Honestly almost any post-apocalytic show or movie demonstartes community perfectly. The communities in The Last of Us or Fallout aren't just besties for the resties. However, they generally show up for each other toward one common goal: staying alive. We can apply these principals now. We don't have to wait until the zombies rise.

Friendship on the other hand does require intimacy. A different level of vulnerability and a different shade of love. “I love you as an important part of my life and our experiences feel interconnected.” Friendship dynamics require closeness as a spectrum. I expect to know if you’re struggling. I expect you will be a soft place to land if I need to share some big feelings. There will be laughter and tears and hugs during both. As friends we continue to show up for each other after the basic needs are met. We can turn to our childhood to understand friendship. Think of the slumber party, the best friend who knows all your secrets, the inside jokes. We are together not just to survive, but because we want to experience life side by side.

Sometime in 2024 I fully woke up to the fact that I was spending most of my time in social situations - professional and personal - with no clear understanding of community or friendship. I could feel that there was something unaligned in almost all of my relationships but didn’t know what. I can look back now and see I had a severe misunderstanding of my own needs and other people’s desire and capacity to meet them. 

Not everyone wanted to be my friend. Some didn't even want to be in community. They just didn’t have any language for wanting to be around me, take from me, and not give in return. I was fun and hot but that did not make us friends. I was a resource. I was a people pleaser who never took up space so others could trauma dump on me, project on me, and never have to worry that I may need something in return or say something that would make them uncomfortable. I was not being honest or empowered so I was not being a great friend or community member. So that’s what I got in return. Everyone is a reflection of our inner world on some level. Our sense of unworthiness, our fears, our pain. When we heal the root we see major shifts. We begin to see love, courage, and reciprocity reflected back to us. 

I fell into the trap of our oppressive systems when I was young and they culminated into vast social networks that were built on weak foundations. There was no room for conflict, for vulnerability, for discomfort - for growth. You could be visible and supported only while you are a “good vibe” but it was understood that any need for tough conversations should be kept to yourself. Shared with someone else. Hardships stays in your home. I won’t ask for help if you don’t. This is the kind of mentality that has lead us into the cycles we are trapped in on a collective level. 

Not everyone had the capacity to be my friend or in community. There were people who I believe had a lot of love for me. They did not have the bandwidth to be a friend or community member. They couldn’t help me meet any of my needs because they were constantly struggling to meet their own. They weren’t open to accepting help or support either. They couldn’t handle when things were easy and convenient but struggled when they got uncomfortable. This isn’t a judgement it’s just a fact. This is why it is so important that we take the time to heal, to refine our natural skill sets. When we are empowered we can match our actions to our affection. We can be great friends and supportive community members. 

As I adjusted my understanding, I adjusted my expectations. Adjusting my expectations offered me peace. I moved into alignment with people who could meet my needs and accept the love I have to give. I stopped feeling bitter and resentful because my expectations did not match the dynamic. We are not just building community or relationships with any and everyone. We are doing it in an intentional and aligned way.

Despite what our government may tell us - we need each other. Not just when its convenient but always. We need each other’s gifts, each other’s perspectives, each others resources. We need it to survive in every sense. The individualism that consumes us is the exact cause for our depression, our loneliness. We have been fooled into thinking we can fill the void with stuff, food, substances, or casual dynamics. We are cramming together puzzle pieces that don’t fit. 

Think of the last time you had a really powerful conversation. The last time you laughed your loudest, most natural laugh with someone. The last time you helped someone get out of a bind. The last time someone helped uplift you. Think of your last tender moment with someone you love. Close your eyes and really feel that energy in your heart. Feel it radiate from your heart throughout the rest of your being. THAT feeling is the whole point. That feeling is Love and there is not other thing in the universe that could fit into it's space. 

So let’s practice caring about each other. Showing up for each other. Being honest. Being accountable. Being loving. Not passive, not performative, but authentic and steadfast. Let’s love like our lives depend on it, because they do.

Don’t know where to start? I got you!

Right Now at Renacida:

Multi-dimensional Mama for Liberation-oriented moms looking to build meaningful community.

The Healing Chamber: a live community event all about breaking cycles, blazing trails, and being reborn into our truest, most powerful self. 

Journal Prompts:

What do I need, value, and desire from my close relationships? From my neighbors? Professional peers? Strangers on the street? If your answer for any of these is "nothing," why?

How do your current relationships match up with your needs, values, and desires?

How do your actions and choices match up with your needs, values, and desires?

"We don't owe each other anything." How does this sentence feel in your body? Does make you feel tense or relaxed? Where did you first learn this? Who does it serve?

How do people in your family regard friendships? Community?

What do you have to offer to others in skills, time, perspective, or support? Where could you accept more?